killereyes65

spring semseter

2009-01-22T04:20:52Z

well springs semter has begun and im freaked out. philosophy scares the hell out of me i havent contributed to the class discussions once. i just dont get it. maybe im too old to get it. put in for a tutor, hope i get someone who has had him befiore.
jake is failing 3 classes i cant get him motivated... i know i know take away teh computer. im just a big pushover.; anyway ive gota f ull load again, im carrying 13 credits should probaly be taking more but 5 classes is enough for me. i dont know if i told anyone but i made deans list last semester but i had beki to thanks for that. im really working my ass off have no life but school and jake and our meetings, well the lunesta is hitting me time for bed talk to everyone soon, love to all

american Jew

exam results

2008-10-03T16:20:33Z

ok so social problems has been a tough class. the teacher has his own agenda and we have spent weeks now on social class structure. i really didint understand what was going on. i went to the study group the night before the exam...well guess what ???? i pulled off a B. yes thats right a B. i couldnt friggin believe it. i an stoked. just ahd to share'

enjoy your day

ealry morning hours

2008-09-27T06:10:49Z

its 130am and i am sitting at my computer wide awake. did i do any school work today? no i slept in and then hung out with a friend and then played on the computer all night. i have 2 major papers to complete and want to get them done early so im not freaking out about them. but first i have to go to the writing clinic i dont know the different formats the teachers want. i need to start an outline and research for both. they are basically the same paper only one on social work career and one on psychology career. different information needed for both but once i get one done the other will be easy cuz i'll know what to do. im taking my son to the fair tomorrow because s8ince school started we havent done anything together but watch tv or play on our computers. i sit and read and he says i ignore him. i dont mean too i just have so much wwork to do. i am having trouble getting up in the morning during the week and staying up. my earliest calss is 1130 so i get jake off to school and go back to bed until 10 instead of getting up and doing work. i could uses those hours to read or write or research. during the week i go to bed no later than 1130. and up at 710 to wake jake up for school get him out and go back to bed. what am i going to do if i get an early class next semester? i signed up for tutoring for my religion class, hopefully they will have someone who has had the teacher before so they will understand his method of teaching. being jewish in a catholic class is very overwhelming. hell the whole experience of school is overwhelming. the dr's have tweaked my meds to help me sleep but all it really does is slow my mind down at night. which is a good thing i guess. i cant take the serioquel cuz it knocks me on my ass. cant get up at all unless i sleep like a thousand hours even on only 12.5mg. im cutting the 25's in half. they told me to stop trying the sseroquel . so i am. im sleeping soundly except for the occasional cat on my chest at 4am. im using my bipap machine everynight so i am getting sleep but i never feel rested. the bipap was supposed to help with that cuz i wouldnt stop breathing and have peacful restful sleep. what is wrong with me? i have so much available time in the mornings if i could just stay awake. and dont tell me coffee cuz its not enough i just cant stay awake.

oh on another note i did take my cats in to be fixed this mornign early but came home and went right back to sleep. finally got up around noon. they just finally came out from under the bed i was getting worried about them, but the male (ichego) seemd to be doing ok he jumped on the bed and the couch saki on the other hand is really lethargic and im worried about her since she had major surgery. i hate that they dont keep them overnight. i dont think either of them has drunk anything today and im afraid of them getting dehydrated. oh more mothersly stuff to wrry about.

on a third note and probably more im portant than the cats jacob had a colonoscopy last monday. the biopsy report found something unusual, not cancer but they arent sure what it is and have schedule further testing. he's only 14 and they cant figure out whats worng. hes excited he has a mystery diagnosis thinks its cool like the show on discovery health. thats my kid for you. wait til he sees what he has to do for the next test. upper GI series, drink chalk. hes gonna love it but i think it will go better than the colonoscopy prep. thanks again jynxx for helping on that one. i owe you, i had to go out of town that day and she filled in for me to get jake to drink the go lytely to clean him out. what a mess. more stuff on my head.

ok im done bitching...love you all

exams

2008-09-23T20:04:40Z

i took my first exam in psych last week really didnt feel good about it went back and changed some answers. got it back today....B- IF I HADNT CHANGED 2 ANSWERS WOULD HAVE HAD A SOLID B. took my social problems exam today we'll just ahve to wait and seea bout this one. this is the real problem class for me next to religion. oy vey

soicail problems exam

2008-09-21T20:32:02Z

i have spent the last 3 days cramming information into my head. making out note cards and taking notes on readings that the professor has assigined. tomorrow i am going to a study group at the university for the test. no one understands what he wants. its all essay. the one good thing i can say is that i am taking the exam in a seperate location with extra time to finish it. i am still overwhelmed and think i blew my first psych exam. started second guessing myself. wrote a very weak essay. all i know is my brain is fried and i still have work for other classes to get done. my dr changed up my night time meds to help me sleep better cuz im having trouble sleep-ing again. cant calm down to many racing thoughts thru my head. so far so good. we;ll see long term. ok im done bitching...thanks everyone for your support it means a lot to me.

todays exam

2008-09-18T19:35:58Z

well today was my first exam. i really think i blew it. i tried to study but im on overload and didnt study the parts she had on the test. of course
we;ll just ahve towait and see. im going to a study group monday night for tuesdays exam cuz noone understands what he wants. he reveiewed again today and it still didnt make any sencse to me. im just going to have to re read the materieal and see if i can get a handle on it. he is not teaching out of the book and he has his own agenda. its all essay tuesday im really worried. this is going to be a bitch ....reality check can i do this?

killereyes65 @ 2008-09-11T16:41:00

2008-09-11T21:09:34Z

i havent posted in quite sometime. life gets in the way. after much consideration and therapy and drugs, i decided to go back to school. i am 43 with 2 kids single mom and i am now officially a college student. i am studying social work. decided if i cant beat em may as well join them. i am carrying a full class load my frist semester back in 25 years. its not easy. i am having trouble keeping up on the reading,. thank god i dont have classes on fridays so i have an extra day for my weekends to catch up. i am still seeing my therapist weekly and using the tutoring that is available. i have also gone to the office for students with disabilities and they are aware of my issues and being very supportive. i am getting to take all my exams in a secluded area and have extra time to take them. i am using my anti anxiety meds regularly to keep me grounded. this was my third week of classes and so far i think i am adapting well. next week exams begin we'll see how i fair. i also have my first 2 papers due one of which i have already written. i just wanted to let people out there know ther are programs available and scholarships and grants. i am going thru something called the office of vocational rehabilitiation. they are paying for part of my schooling. i also received a very large scholarship from the school itself plus a needs based grant. i am on disability if i didnt mention that. anyway like i said just wanted to get teh word out there that it is possible. ask me in 2 months if im still doing ok we'll see. lol

in between classes

2008-09-11T17:35:37Z

so here i am in between classes. i have an hour and a half on tues and thurs. just realizing how much work i have this weekend. i have my first real paper to do and again tons of reading. sept 23rd is the first exam in social problems. he said essay, great. i dont understand the calss at all. thanks to the office of disabillities i have an alternate test area and more time but i dont know if i can pass this one. he has done so much outside reading. and even today we were supposed to read a achapter and discuss it and we went off on a tangent about pharmeceuticla companies and big bussiness running the government. it was a chapter about unemployement and work ethic in america. my psych class and social work class seem to be the only ones not giving me a real hard time. the university 100 bullshit calss is ridiculous we do nothing. and its 2 hours long. we have to read al gores book on global warming and write a book report. plus journal entries. religion is giving me a so so time. i started to understand the lecture last night but i dont understand the accountablility journals he wants written. looks like its time for a phone call to him since i dont have email for him. tomorrow i get to play lab rat for a psych grad student. we are required to do 3 tests with grad students to fulfill our class credit. going to talk to the professor about extra credit just in case. i am not good at this time management thing. i write things down in the calendar and then forget to read it. missed a soical work department meeting yesterday and i was on campus early too to go the library for religion. this is the end of week 3 only 12 more to go. im not taking my anxiety meds this week, they arent working anyway, but i still feel overwhelmed anad dont see how im keeping up. thanks Bek for helping with teh crossword i really appreciate it. if i get these stupid crossword puzzles done for religion thats 5 extra credit points. everyone said school was going to be hard and it is but now they are all saying marywood is even harder. that maybe i should have gone to the university of scranton instead. but i didnt want to go there, they dont have a social work department. i think i need a drink, bu ti have no time. geeeeez is thing rant long enough????

school

2008-09-10T04:03:22Z

its almost midnight tuesday night. i have class at 3. so far i have been able to keep up with the readings but my social problems class is really worrying me. im just not getting what he is trying to do. he hasnt touched the book and has us read all these other readings from the eaarly 1900's to get a better understanding of social society and its workings. i am not a political person and i dont understand all these terms and i am quite concerned about the testing for this class. i must maintain a b average to amintain my scholoarship. its not like i can go to the tutopring sessions because he is not using the book. my notes dont even make sence to me. i am using dictionary.cpom like no tomorrow and still not getting the point. this and religion are the 2 hardest classes so far. the priest teaching relgion tells me not to worry it will come together and i will understand it but i dont. i know the first 5 books of moses and some of the prophets that go along with it. i have no clue about jeseus and catholisims. other than that im doing ok. i like my classes. i am starting to meet people in my classes which is good. i still fell like the old hag but at least people are talking to me now. the freshman seminar class is bullshit,. we have to do 5 hours of community service and then write a paper about it. we have a paper due every month on bullshit. your experience so far. how can you be a better student, what have you learned abotj your self. if you cant tell im a little frustrated. just taking the days as they come. class by class. the one good thing is im doing my homework and jake see it so he is doing his. thats a big plus. i fought with him all last year about homework. if i stay on track and can hold my class load he and will graduate teh same year. him from high school me from college. but im not thinking that far ahead i just want to get thru the semester. i have so much to do its not funny. time manaegment is not one of my strong points. and this damn rlc is so addicting. i have managed to not be on for a few nights becausei have priorities now nadn real life takes precident. ok im done ranting. thanks for listening and putting up woth my bad speklling.

school week 2

2008-09-07T19:45:07Z

ok, so ive made it thru 2 weeks now. tons of reading and note taking, feeling stressed and overwhelmed. had the dr increase my klonipin. but now im afraid to take it for fearr of falling asleep in class. trying to keep up with the assignments. and still take care of home. 50 page chapters and papaers tow rite, ok im whining. but im doing it. so far so good i suppose. having most difficulties with social problems and religion. social problems teacher is trying to give us this grand overview of society and no tusing the book and religion well im the token jew in a caatholic class. he says to relax and i'll get it but so far i dont. oh well so much for catholics...lol.

homework

2008-08-31T20:59:27Z

ok, so i knew i was in for a ton of homework, but, i never thought it would be this much and its only the first week and it happens to be a 4 day weekend. luckily i hae no classes on fridays so i am making a lot of headway. omg these chapters are long and my reading speed has slowed down dramtically. im taking a break from psych right now with 11 pages left in the chapter. how do you keep up? i knew i shouldnt have taken 5 classes my first semester back. im really worried i wont be abel to keep up. any suggestions????

school

2008-08-30T15:56:43Z

so, first week of school down. whewww. i am a bit overwhelmed and am realizing just how much work i have to do. called the dr to increase my klonipin.feeling a bit anxious and nervous these ddays and the .5mg wasnt doing it. i spent friday (my day of no classes) reading nothing but sociolgy. it took most of the day and part of the night to read everything. i still dont understand eveything i read but i read it. should be able to participate in calss discussion. i am feeling out of place in my classes being the only adult learner. i am surrounded by perky 18 year olds. i guess i just have to get back into the swing of reading and studying and taking notes. its been almost 25 years since i was in school. buggest issue i see is my reading speed and my religion class lol. Fahter Campbell and i are going to ahve some interesting conversations. ok thats enough i'll keep u posted. love to all

sorry

2008-08-20T17:51:24Z

pantera i am soooooooooo sorry baby. i know i havent been very good at keeping up my journal. i promise to try but with school starting its gonna be hard. i love you all and miss you.....kisses

trying to keep it together

2008-02-26T03:04:39Z

so my younger sister is in the hospital and they arent sure whats wrong yet. i have her 4 adn 6 year olds. the 4 year old i autistic and on medication to keep him under control. he is a handful but i am dealing. the issue is my sister. there is no food of substance in this house. no juice boxes for the kids, a sink full of dishes, im doing laundry so the kids have socks and underwear. all my sister is worried about is her email and her myspace page. as far as i am concerned my sister is classic bipolar. she blew a $5000 tax return and we have no idea on what. she certainly didnt go grocery shopping. she has mood swings that are unbelievable and she has a new sex partner every week and she brings them home to her bed where her son usually finds his way too during the night. she balmes everything on my mother. she wants mom cut out of her life, yet mom does her grocery shopping, buys diapers gets the kids to school every morning. takes the little girl anytime my sister wants her too, mom does everything for my ungreatful sister. they think she has a bleeding ulcer and sister actually told her 6 year old daughter that grandma did this to her. i sat there without saying a word.

now my sister is a teacher and makes damn good money, my mom is on social security. theres a big difference between the two yet mom goes out of her way to buy all my nieces clothes and buy extra stuff my sister is too lazy to get. she says she cant do these simple tasks because she has a handicapped child and it hinders her ability to go shopping, go out, etc. yet she is finding men on line all the time to entertain. and she goes out plenty.

my son is home alone sick with a sinus infection and wont take his medicine without me on his case. and i'm worried he will stay up too late and wont get up for school on time, but my sister needs me and beleive me she will somehow use this against me because thats the kind of person she is. the house will be a mess and that will be my fault. my aprtment is being inspected by HUD on thursday and i havent cleaned it yet.

i brought the kids to see her tonight after making a dinner that i was told by the 6 year old was disgusting. all it was was meatballs and mashed potatoes. thats whats in the house and i brought the taters from my house. anyway, my sister told them i would take them for ice cream. it was bath time and now i had a screaming autistic 4 year old in the hospital wanting ice cream that minute. i went and got them ice cream, against my will, took them home bathed them, drugged the little guy, and put them to bed. ahhh i can breathe.

I get to wake up at 630 tomorrow morning the little guys usual wake up time, make breakfast , get them dressed and their bags packed for school. my mom will be here at 8 to take 6yo brat to school and little guy gets picked up by NEIU at 830. somewhere in there i have to wake up my son and get him going. once all the kids are off to school i can go home and clean my house for inspection.

at 430 i have to drive 15 minutes out of the way to get little guy. mom picks up brat from school everyday, yeah thats something else mom does for her. bring everyone home and make dinner, bath and bed again. and again jake will be home alone. i guarantee you i will not get a thank you for this.

if its her gallbladder they will probably do surgery then im screwed. 6 weeks of this. i cant leave my kid alone for 6 weeks. i have a life too. and i know if i try to get out of htis my sister will throw in my face that she let me live with her rent free for 6 months when i first moved back home until i got my own place.

thank god for my klonopin, i dont know what else to do. im not real happy about this arrangement, but i really dont have a choice in the matter and mom will still be here helping too even though sister hates her. sister is just an ungreatful, mentally ill psycho who is in denial that she has a problem. i'm the one with the problem cuz i did the stint in the hospital and im on medication.

wish me luck,,,

just rambling

2008-02-22T16:06:11Z

i havent posted in a while, been busy being bored. so lets go back a week, valentines day my 2 sisters and i went out and i got trashed. seriously drunk. had a very short pakistani man (nothing wrong with pakistanis he just made a big deal about it) stick his tongue down my throat, tell me he loved me and to go out to his lexus with him. my sister told him i was married and he finally went away.mean time i went home and proceeded to get sick, omg i felt like i was in my much younger days, but unfortunatley it took me 2 days to recover from this escapade. im not as young as i think i am. i was so drunk i waslked across an ice covered parking lot barefoot, my shoes were killing me. oh well i went out that was the important thing, even my pdoc said that. she wasnt thrilled about my alcohol consumption but since i dont have an issue with alcohol she wasnt too comcerned.

the rest of my appointment went well. she says im stable which is good. just tired all the time. im going for a sleep study in march to see if maybe i have sleep apnea and thats whats playing havoc with my sleeping. sounds like so much fun.

on a humorous note i finally learned how to make coffee. i was spending too much money every morning going for a coffee and bagel so i invested in a cheap coffee maker and bought my own bagels and wala breakfast and its not cutting into my limited budget. it was costing me almost $60 a month for my breakfast, i can do something like take my kid out for that.

today i am babysitting my autistic nephew, he is 4. he is the cutest little thing. well little is nt the word for him he's a linebacker but he told me i love you aunt shari today, what a great kid. sometimes i think he's got the right idea and we are the crazy ones.

got tore up last night

2008-02-03T20:10:20Z

so a friend of mine invited me out last night . i didnt really want to go, i never do, but i went. she took me to this private club. members only, you have to be escorted in and out by a member. (biker types) i was pretty nervous and ordered a beer, well then someone started passing a joint around. i usually dont get high cuz it makes me really paranoid, but i didnt want to offend any of them so i took it. i got stoned and i started thinking way too much. my head just started spinning. the thoughts the ideas, figuring out the meaning of life. it scares me. my friend got lost with this guy for a while and i was at the bar alone. i really wasnt comfortable and i dont talk a lot when i dont know anyone so it was really awkward. this one guy kept coming over and saying you really dont talk much do you? i said no, he was nice enough to keep talking to me and distract me from my evil thoughts. i started bouncing, my legs started moving uncontrollably. i was really uncomfortable, nervous, but i tried to keep my thoughts from taking over. why did i think getting high would be alright? it never is. it really scares me. i'm not manic, been more depressed lately than anything, but last night, as always when i get high, scared me. i start picking life apart in my brain and seeing the world in a different way and people and i never like what i see. anyway just wanted to get this off my chest...i got home around 3 and didnt go to sleep til 4 got up today at 2pm. another day wasted and i feel like crap.

going insane

2008-01-28T22:44:46Z

how and when did i become a door mat again?? my ex used to treat me like a door mat, but now my son is doing it to me. is this my own fault? did i give too much since he came to live with me? he wont do his laundry, or even get it together for that matter unless i scream at him. he wont make his own lunch and he's 14. he wont go to school and ive had conversations with the school. his guidance counselor is an idiot. i asked for help she said well we'll have to wait for truancy to get involved. GREAT so i'll go to jail. he doesnt seem to care about this either. he is apathetic, lazy, stubborn and wont even follow simple instructions. since he came back from winter break his luggage has been sitting in my living room. i refuse to clean it up. i told him again today to get it cleaned up and take out the trash since he was home again. do you think it was done? im tired of cleaning up the messes, doing all the laundry and cooking for him. i love him dearly and have fought tooth and nail to get him but i have no authority where he is concerned. he just wont give in. like i said he's 14 this is only going to get worse. someone tell me what to do....im going insane and im already psycho

depressed

2008-01-26T05:16:56Z

i'm home alone for the first time in forever, and im depressed. i dont have my son home for 12 hours and already i miss him. i should be rejoicing in the fact that i have my pc back and the tv is mine. but im sitting here bored and lonely. what's wrong with me?

awake

2008-01-14T04:55:16Z

so as usual i took my 3 hour nap this afternoon and woke up at 645. i freaked i thought it was 645am and started yelling at my son that he had stayed up all night and now had to get ready for school. boy did i feel like an ass when i realized what time it was. so here i sit in front of my puter deciding whether to journal or sit in the dark and stare out the window. i hate when i sleep late. yesterday it was 9pm-12am for nap time. and i still managed a 930 wake up on sunday morning.

i wish i could make a few more friends. my therapst thinks jake is mirroring my behavior by not having many friends and isolating a lot. it could just be his bipolar too. i have alway tended to be a loner with only a couple of friends in my circle. it does get lonely. but i'm sure jake is lonely too.

sunday morning

2008-01-13T16:02:28Z

so its like 930 in the morning and i'm awake. that in of itself is a big accomplishment. But considering i napped until midnight then watched some tv with jake then went back to bed, i guess its not too bad. wishing i had a cup of coffee. just remembered have half a cup from dunkin i didnt finish last night in the fridge. but i still may run to the cafe and get some fresh. jacob is sleeping on the couch, he refuses to sleep in the bed i got him for his room. says its too hard. not to mention the window only has sheers on it and there is a giant lamp post right outside it, i bought black curtains just cant figure out how to put them up. not very handy these days.

just got off the phone with my sister, funny how they are all awake too. guess this is what i miss when i sleep. finished the coffee, need more.

so the donor and i had a small conversation yesterday about the plight of my son. Jacob is not happy with the school i am sending him to. its not very technically advanced from what he is used to. so he told his father he might want to come back to st louis. well of course this devastated me. i have fought so hard to get him i dont want to lose him now. he is in the 8th grade so he will be in a different school next year anyway.

i heard that sranton high was a good school, so i wasnt worrying about things so much. his father doesnt want him back. he didnt come right out and say it, but i can tell from the email and the tone of voice he used on the phone with me. he said the dynamics between avi and jake was not good and maybe we should switch kids. i said no way. first im not doing that to the boys again and avi is not eligible to live here with me, too young. plus there isnt enough extra curricular stuff here for avi to be involved in like he is in st louis. and his rage and anger issues are not easy to deal with. i dont think i could handle him. jake is more laid back just lazy.

plus with the new baby coming there i dont think michael wants to deal with his older kids and their issues while he and his perfect wife are welcoming their second perfect child into the world. its been very hard on my kids since they got married and started having kids. its almost like michael wants to erase avi and jake but wont give me the satisfaction of having them becaue then he would have to pay me. this way he gets my ssd for avi and i dont have to pay him child support.

he's a prick when it comes to money. i get jake's ssd and michael sends me $125 a month for his meds. thats supposed to pay for everything jake needs? i dont think so, so i just keep asking michael for more every time something comes up. ski club , michael paying for it, USY conventions michael paying for it oh he wants me to put $20 towards it. i get what i can and jake askes for things too so he's not getting off the hook completely. everytime jake wants something i tell him to call his father first.

now Alayna is talking about us moving in together in the spring. i dont mind, but i dont like the animals. i like zoey her lab and the cats, but the new dog is mean and the ferret stinks. but i suppose if we find a 3 bedroom half a double or a house and she keeps that ferret in her room i could live with it. besides the ferret might decide to go diving in my aquarium. i dont know if it would be cheaper or not though. probably not with a heat bill. but it would get us out of the old folks building. we were thinking the abington area, better school for jake , but once again it means a new school and new people than he is used to from middle school. do i really want to do that to him? no. ya know some days i really hate being the adult

date night LOL

2008-01-13T05:14:58Z

Becki called and sad she was taking me on a date...LOL, since i havent been on one in ages of course i accepted. dinner was nice but i had a drink with dinner. now i slept in really late today, didnt get my arse outta bed before 3. puttered around the house and then went to dinner. i should not have been tired. one drink and i needed a nap so badly. i wanted to go hang out with Becki for a while but couldnt do it. going to the med doc on thursday gonna talk about the fact that i cant stay awake longer than 6 hours before i need a nap no matter how much sleep i get. i know the drink probably didnt help, but it was only 1 and it wasnt a huge drink. oh well, btw, dinner was good and Becki is great company. Thanks Bec, i needed a night out.

Chapter 2

2008-01-10T19:48:50Z

Divorce. such the big word. after consulting an attorney it was suggested that we enter counseling. Who thought up marriage counseling? pouring your heart and soul out just to be told he has a different way of looking at things and maybe i have unrealistic expectations. we go together like oil and vinegar. but now we have a son. things have to change. we have to start planning ahead. time to spend together, appointments for sex, dates, his job responsibilities, my job responsibilities. every last detail of our lives has to be on paper.

lets not forget the tests we had to take to determine if we were depressed or not. he is slightly depressed, she is definitely depressed. now here comes the medication. both put on different drugs. things seem to clear up a little. we get organized to a point. life looks a little brighter. then it slides back into its old ways and habits. he stays out and she is left alone with her son. her only light in the darkness of life.

she hates florida. she hates what her life has become, and she hates being alone. her friends at work are just work friends, nothing outside of work. and she has problems at work. her sense of humor gets her into trouble. her open sexuality gets he accused of sexual harrasment. but she doesnt tell him this.

after 2 years of marriage counseling we are doing better. enough so that our counselor says we can have another baby. he is against this idea but my father needs a name sake and i dont want an only. he makes every effort not to get me pregnant. but too bad i got pregnant. at one point during our later problems he accuses me of raping him. i never saw anyone put up a fight or say no. at one point he says he never wanted a second child with me. how heartbreaking.

i remember punching myself in the stomach with hopes of miscarrying so he would be happy and not have to deal with another child, especially one he doesnt want. i am placed on bed rest and spend 5 weeks in the hospital. pre term labor again. we will try to avoid another preemie.

so now i am in the hospital trying to save the life of my unborn child while my 3 year old is at home with babysitters and his father is out working a million hours a week. ironic how counseling just fell out of the picture.

its now the first night of passover and he has the duty of leading the seder that night for his students. my contractions have started and they are regular and strong. he wears a beeper but i am told only call if the baby is truly on the way. the night goes on, contraction after contraction. my dr visits and says this could be the night. i call him. no response. i call again. still no response. i am now angry, in pain and alone. do you see the pattern yet? somehow, the powers that be stopped my contractions and no baby was born. he never calls. he does however show up much later that evening after i am stewing and i let him have it. i tell him to leave. he does. once again i am alone.

at 36 weeks of pregnancy i am release to go home because we are now in the safe zone. during my time in the hospital he and his father have been out house hunting. i am shown pictures of houses they have looked at and told to choose between them. i ask to see them before making my decision, somehow the decision was already made. on my second day out of the hospital i am signing papers to put a bid on a house. i guess we are ok. we are having another baby and now we are buying a house. i am at ease. things are changing i say to myself. i will have my house and my kids and my husband who loves me and we will be alright.

What Do You Have To Say? - Takes Me Right Back

2008-01-10T02:06:14Z

What photograph has the power to transport you back to that day and time?

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the picture of me holding my newly born son. I was in total awe of what i had done by bringing a new life into the world.

Once upon a time: Chapter one

2008-01-10T01:48:59Z

Once there was this girl. An average girl who liked unicorns and collected candles. All kinds of candles, food shaped, sculptures, animals, flowers. It was quite a collection. One day the girl woke up and felt sad. very sad. blue and grumpy. she didnt care about anything, how she looked, how she acted, etc. she began writing her feelings down on paper. all these poems of misery and loneliness. depression and death. books of it. she still has some of them.

as the girl grew up this feeling of not being happy and not belonging continued with her. she never felt like she fit in. always different. went to a different school, wore different clothes. she finally decided at age 16 that she didnt matter and took matters into her own hands. a handful of valium and some blackberry brandy should get someones attention. Her mother caught her before it was too late, perhaps she planned it that way, but her cry for help came in the form of a counselor. Did it help? who knows but it was an outlet to bitch and groan about her life . this is when the term depression was first used. her parents were told this was somewhat normal behavior for adolescents, except for the valium and brandy.

this outlet didnt last long and the girl began to spiral out of control again. didnt go to school, was failing classes, became someone nobody wanted to be around. the funny part of this whole thing was that she attended youth group conventions and participated in a theater group and found happiness in the idea of playing the role of someone else. as long as she wasnt her anything was possible. and so the cycle began, happy, sad, up, down.

the girl grew into a young woman and due to her shenanigans in high school was rejected from every college she applied to. she tried penn state extension campus, and was excepted on probation. she found it not to be for her. she dropped out half way thru her first semester. this was an interesting time too, because her mother was pregnant and was having some issues.

the young woman began working for her father and trying to decide what to do with her life. she still battled with the ups and downs. somewhere, somehow she decided to go to beauty school so at least she would have a trade. she graduated and found that she was actually pretty good with a scissor and color. she worked her way up the ladder in several salons before meeting him.

now thru out this time period, 16-22 she dated and had several serious relationships. none of them lasting, but her always falling in love and getting hurt. when she met him she had just lost who she thought to be the love of her life. in a whirlwind romance he swept her off her feet and made her forget the love she had lost. with in 4 months they were engaged to be married and a year later married.

this was her escape finally. her escape from her life of unhappiness, her parents, the instability, the pain, the loneliness. she would be married and in love and always have someone with her. this was joy. they would get married, buy a house and have babies. WRONG.

she moved in with him to philadelphia. they stayed there another year then he lost his job. they moved to columbus ohio, he began to take classes, he lied to her and told her he had graduated, but in reality he had not. after a year in ohio he was let go. he found a new job in durham north carolina. he continued taking classes and working nights and weekends and with his students and was never home. if she went to one of his events they fought, over nothing, it didnt matter. she found herself alone again. always alone.

she tried to break up, leave, end the marriage, but it didnt happen, she was too addicted and didnt know what she would do and what about the family, what would they say. so instead they decided after 4 years to have a baby, that would solve the problems and bring them closer together.

she had made a group of friends and one by one they all became pregnant, all due with in months of each other. it was a great time in her life. she would shop for baby things and get the room ready and read books about babies and have lunch with her pregnant friends. they talked about names and what they were having and all was wonderful.

her baby made an early appearance by 2 months, but with a lot of prayer and medical help he was home in 8 days. perfectly healthy just small. under 5 pounds. he grew like a weed and she enjoyed every minute of him. she stayed home with him until he was one. but her husbands ways didnt change. he still worked late, nights, weekends. the one thing he did do was get up for the 2am feedings. after 2 1/2 years in durham NC, where they had made friends and started a life with a baby, he had finally graduated college and had his masters, but he lost his job again. here came yet another move. at 18 months old her son had to make adjustments to a new home and new room and new daycare in florida. this time gainesville.

florida left a bad taste in her mouth because she could not be there when her father had first become ill. it took 2 days for her to get home because they had to ask for help from his family since they were so in debt and had no credit on their cards for a plane ticket.
by the time she reached her father he was in a coma and unresponsive. the neurologist told her if he were to regain consciousness he would be in a vegetative state. she called her husband and begged him to come home to her with their son, but he said no it was not necessary for them to be there. Her father's condition worsend as the week drew on. again she called, this time he came with the baby against his will. her father died within 2 days.

she went back to florida and asked for a divorce.

off to school

2008-01-09T17:54:11Z

so i got jake up and off to school today. cant help wondering if he had a test on tuesday. i know he didnt finish his homework from monday. i have put a call into the principal to talk to her about his behavior. he told me there is kid making his life miserable and he wont do his work which is leading to failure. he did so well first semester. i dont know what to do with him.

we have a 5pm appt with the shrink today. i think jake is depressed and im going to tell that to the dr.

he didnt want to come home after break. i cant lose him now, its taken too long to get him.

i have a 14 year old son that knows more than God and all he wants to do is sit on the computer playing RPG's and watching tv. he tells me im hovering. i tell him im being a parent. which i may or may not be good at.

i've been alone so long with my kids only part of the time that i have become a little selfish. Since jake has arrived i have been all about him. too much about him. i do his laundry, cook his meals, make his lunch, he has no responsibilities. all i ask is that he do well in school. i guess im asking too much.